save_the_souls | driftfleet ♪ IC Contact: Year Two

[Now that it's been about a week, Allen's recovered enough to leave the clinic for a while. Leave in a wheelchair, at least, and with Allen's arm still not working properly, Clay decided to leave the wheelchair pushing to him. Allen's been anxious to leave, so they're walking the halls of the Blue Fish, Allen in his chair and Clay pushing it, talking to him, yet also getting lost in his thoughts easily.

He's very happy that Allen's getting better, and way faster than he thought he would. And he's also very happy to be out of the clinic for a while, having been staying there a lot of the time to keep his boyfriend company. But still... there's a lot on his mind, and he still hasn't sorted through it all. And there's the fact that he has to tell Allen sometime, tell him about... what's going on...

They pass by Allen's room, and Clay can't help the smile that comes up as he looks down to talk to him.]

If I could hold you with one arm and climb down the ladder, I'd bring you to your room, but...

[Alas.]

[Recovery was never fun. If Allen could move properly, he'd be climbing up the walls of the clinic. It wasn't that he hated the clinic, no he enjoyed working there a lot. But it was a lot different when you couldn't leave it as night. Especially when you were confined to a bed most of the time.

So being allowed to actually be in a wheelchair and get out of the clinic for a bit? Allen jumped at the chance. Especially if it meant spending time with Clay that didn't have other people possibly listening in from just a couple feet away. Sure, he'd like it better if his arm worked well enough so he could push his own wheelchair- but he'll take what he can get.]

Yeah...wouldn't work.

What about the shuttles? They're wheelchair accessible, maybe we could go to the Iskaulit!

[He thinks of doing that.

He thinks of Beverly's face when they come back.

And he winces.]

IIII don't know about that. Are we even allowed to leave the ship?

I don't remember her saying directly we couldn't! [Though whether that's because she didn't actually say it or he wasn't paying attention, who can say]

But come on, it's not like we're going anywhere risky. And a change of scenery can be good for a person! [Sure he's seen the Iskaulit a thousand times BUT STILL] Besides, I'm not sure how much privacy we'll get here if we can't get down to my room.

[And he's very sure Clay wants to talk about something.]

Well... yeah, true...

[And he is sick of the clinic. And... well, he guesses a change of scenery is good for a person. He knows some first-aid, but he's still not exactly up to speed on all things medical. Clay's a risk-taker too, and he's sure he won't let anything happen to Allen. So...]

Sure, why not! [Though that makes him realize something:] - But I don't think we can get to our place. We kind of need your arm for that.

Yeah...that's definitely out. My synchronization ratio is far too low right now to activate my powers safely.

[Unless you want to risk it blowing up, but let's pass on that ok ok]

But that's okay! It's a big place, we can find some alcove I'm sure. [He's just glad to get off the ship for a bit, period]

Right! And I think we could both use the change of scenery.

[So he changes direction, instead going to the Blue Fish hanger!

And after some time, they make it to the Iskaulit. Ever since Winter was brainwashed, Clay always felt tense when he was first going into the hall, and this time is no different. His grip on Allen's chair tightens, and he hesitates before he looks down the hall. It's irrational, he knows; there's no bloody mess, no broken bodies, but it's like he's hardwired to think it might happen again.

Still, once he's past that, he relaxes some, and he talks to Allen again.]

Soooo where we headed?

[Allen meanwhile doesn't think much about the previous attack there. You live a life like his, attacks can happen anywhere. Mostly he's just focused on how weird it feels to be rolled in here on a chair, instead of walking in like he usually does.

Still. It feels good to be off the Blue Fish for a bit. Even if this ship is much more open to the public, it's huge halls make it seem quieter]

Somewhere private? Maybe by the gardens.

Ha, I'm not surprised. After being with everyone else in the clinic all this time? Being away from them might do you some good.

[Not that they're bad people! But it had to be tiring being around them 24/7. So Clay makes his way to the gardens; it'd be a nice scenery change anyway, and they can see how the plants are doing. Not that Clay's super interested in plants, but eh, you know!]

Yes, that's for sure.

[He lets himself get rolled towards the gardens. It was always a peaceful part of the ship. When people came here, it tended to be for some quiet time. Seeing the green is nice as well. When they reach the gardens, he'll take a moment to appreciate just that before he speaks up]

So...what's been on your mind?

[Clay himself does take in the greenery for a moment before he gets lost in his thoughts again. It's... not like he was planning on going back to Earth. Given the choice, he'd stay here, he knows that now. He's built a life here, made good friends, and found love that he's sure he'd never find again. And he's doing so much more for the universe than he ever thought he could. But still - Earth was his home, and the thought of never going back, of never seeing greenery like the kind back on Earth...

Allen's voice snaps him out of his thoughts, blinking away from his staring at the plants to look down at him.]

Uh... what?

[Allen looks up at him, his good hand reaching up to put on top of Clay's affectionately]

There's been something on your mind, hasn't there? I mean, besides everything that's been going on lately.

You're pretty easy to read, Cowboy. [It wasn't overly obvious, but he could tell there was something Clay wasn't sharing. The way he'd get lost in thought much more than usual, the way he seemed a bit more reserved lately...only so much of it could be explained by his injuries or with Sorey and Mikleo. Clay would've talked about those things] Something's been bothering you.

I... well, um, yeah...

[He shifts in his place, glancing away uncomfortably. Allen's smiling for him - how much is that going to change when he... when he knows? It's not like he practiced this. How do you tell someone you're dead? Especially someone who loves him like Allen does?

Clay takes his hands off the handles of the wheelchair, stepping around it so that he can be in front of it, but doesn't face Allen just yet. Instead, he rubs at the bridge of his nose, trying to think.]

I kind of... found out some stuff. When Apollo got here.

[He continues watching him, feeling a sense of unease. Clearly whatever it was, it wasn't good]

What...sort of stuff?

It's, ah... [He rubs at the back of his neck, his other hand holding his own side.] Not good stuff, he came from my future and - and...

[He was kind of hoping to just spit it out right there, but the words get caught in his throat. What does he do? What does he say? How is he supposed to word this? Can't he just keep it to himself? No, no, Allen deserves to know. It's a mystery that not only plagued Clay, but Allen as well, as soon as he saw the scar on his chest. If Allen's going to share his life with him, then this is important, astronomically so.

If he could just get the words out...

Clay takes in a deep breath, his hands forming fists. Come on, you can do it! You'll be fine and he'll be fine! Just act like you're in front of a mirror! Like you're practicing just for this! Like -]

ALLEN WALKER I'M DEAD BACK AT HOME AND I'M FINE!!

[.....................

nailed it]

[Okay, so first? Whatever he was expecting to hear from Clay? He was not expecting to hear it via being YELLED IN THE FACE about. That alone is startling enough to make him roll back some in his chair, even though he only has one functional arm pushing it.

And second, um yeah. The expression of horror on his face? Probably from the context]

W-What?!

Edited 2016-09-18 07:30 (UTC)

[okay so he did not nail it

But really, that was mostly just to get the news out of him, rather than just stumble over his words forever. He lets out a sigh, as if yelling that took all of his energy out of him, and he moves a hand to press over his chest.]

It's - It's where this came from. [He lets out a light snort, no humor behind it] You know, I always kind of suspected something like this? The evidence was right here all along. But I never remembered what happened, so I just thought... I thought...

[He shuts his eyes, his hand moving up to tug his visor down over his eyes while he fiddles with the brim of it.]

But - Apollo told me what happened, and I... remembered. Everything.

[... Most of it. Mercifully, his brain decided not to remember what happened from the moment of the stabbing and on.]

[ .................

Allen listens to what Clay is saying, but it sounds muffled and distant after that yell. Something about evidence? And Apollo and remembering...but mostly, he's stuck on what had been shouted- what was still echoing in his mind.

I'm dead.

I'm Dead.

I'm Dead Back At Home.

What...is this? How could it- Why? This can't be happening. It just can't be. It doesn't make sense- it hurts-

No no no no no no no no.]

.........

[Ironically Clay might need to shout again or maybe even shake him. Because from the way he's not responding, not moving, and staring at nothing with almost blank eyes? It's safe to say that he's gone into his rarest and most extreme reaction mode: full catatonia. ]

Edited 2016-09-18 15:23 (UTC)

[Clay doesn't get an answer, and it makes him finally turn around to actually look at Allen for the first time since he asked what was on his mind. He's just... staring, like he hadn't heard him, or like he was in shock, like - ]

Allen? [He raised his voice for that one, and then he takes Allen's shoulders and gives him a little shake. Dammit, dammit, he shouldn't have said anything, should've just kept it to himself. Then Allen wouldn't know, wouldn't be like this, could just be happy with him and not - ugh, Clay screwed up, he screwed up so bad. He should've just kept quiet.

But... it's too late to take back anything now, and he has to live with the consequences. A little quieter, he says,]

Starlight?

Edited 2016-09-18 17:56 (UTC)

[Being shaken a little helps him snap out of it. It forces him to bring himself back to the present instead of wherever he was in his mind. On the Iskaulit, in the gardens, with Clay, the man he loved-

"I'm dead at home."]

...How..?

[He already knows the answer. That scar on his chest. The one that he's seen countless times but always tried to dismiss, but the medic part of him knew what it had to make it. A stab wound, from some sort of blade. Deep enough to damage organs, a fatal blow. But maybe with medical intervention-

No. A memory flashes back to the Event Horizon. A knife in the doctor's chest, his life leaving him. The man who taught him medicine, the best in Paradisa. There was nothing to do, even though it happened in the ship's sickbay, there was no way to treat it fast enough. Only to make sure he didn't die gasping, he took the handle of the knife and-

It was the same scar. The same wound. He'd been kidding himself all this time, telling himself that everything was alright like some sort of magic charm, but it was the same.

But-]

Why...

Why would anyone stab you? I don't get it. You're an astronaut, you don't hurt anyone.

[Who could possibly want to kill him?]

[Allen's snapped out of it, but Clay feels no less remorseful. This isn't a conversation they should be having, but here they are, because Clay didn't hide it well enough.

No... No, he shouldn't think that way, should never think that way. Keeping something this big a secret is the first step towards poisoning a relationship, and Clay never, ever wants that, not with anyone, not his friends and especially not his loved ones. His mother taught him that, and he's witnessed it firsthand, and it's a path he never wants to walk. Now this new path is taken, and he doesn't know where it'll lead, and it scares him a lot, but - they're on it now, so best to just keep walking.

He takes in a deep breath, kneeling down in front of Allen's chair so that he can talk to him easier, though he keeps his gaze away now that Allen's back on Earth again.]

It was...

[He hesitates, because he was sworn to secrecy. Though... at this point, it's not really a secret anymore, not in Apollo's time. And him being... dead means that his swear is pretty much dissolved, right...?]

Our ship was sabotaged. There was a spy who planted bombs on it. I was part of a plan to try to get the team out of there safely, but... [He takes in a deep breath] The spy was there. He was after something I was protecting, and he was disguised as a detective who was supposed to help us evacuate the area. I had the capsule he wanted with me, and I recognized him, and... I guess...

[That was what did it. Clay didn't directly have the Hope Capsule, but it was still nearby, and he was ready to grab it if he needed to, even though he was so tired. But the combination of that plus Clay seeing him and saying his name, making himself a witness, that was enough to... ensure he couldn't say anything.]

[He listens to the story. It's mostly news to him, but that doesn't surprise him. Allen didn't exactly tell him much about his missions as an Exorcist, why should Clay have to tell him about his missions? But as the explanation goes on...God, it sounds so familiar. Someone wants something, and is willing to do just about anything to get it. He's seen it happen before, but it's different when you're an outside observer who barely knows the victims if at all.

It's different you're in love with the victim. It makes it hurt more, it makes it seem all the more like pointless destruction. He can feel his chest tightening up, and tears forming in his eyes.]

Clay...

[He notices that Clay's moved in front of him, that he's avoiding his gaze. That's right...Clay was still here. Still coming to gripes with all this. It wasn't just news that Allen heard to mourn. He must've found out about it when Apollo arrived. While Allen was chasing Mikleo and Sorey, he was dealing with this...all alone...

He leans forward and moves to wrap his good arm to embrace him tightly. ]

I'm so sorry.

[Sorry this happened. Sorry that Clay had died. Sorry that he hadn't been there when Clay needed him. Sorry...for so many reasons]

[He'd been doing his best to keep up a brave face. He cried with Apollo, yes, but he picked himself up quickly. It wasn't forced; Apollo just had a knack for helping him pick himself back up and move on. But once Apollo got situated, he wanted to talk about life here, and how Apollo was doing, not what happened.

He was brave for Allen because the last thing he needed to hear when he woke up was that his boyfriend was dead. Not when he couldn't get out of bed, not when they were still surrounded by people. Not... Not in the clinic, one of the few places Clay actually felt uncomfortable.

He was brave for Sorey because the other man had been reeling from the death of his close friend. What good would telling him do? He was brave for his crewmates because he's the captain, he's in charge, he's the one who's responsible for them all. He was brave for the planet they left because they had their lives destroyed, and it's better to focus on making sure they had a future than to dwell on the fact that he didn't anymore.

He was brave, but... here, Clay moves his hand up to hold Allen's arm, then ducks his head to press his nose to the curve of his neck. He's still trying, but it's getting harder by the second.]

You know... if I was given the choice, I'd stay here. I'd want to keep living here. With you.

[He wants Allen to know that first. Before Apollo came here, before he learned the truth, that was what he wanted. He wanted to explore the universe with Allen by his side, wanted to keep living his life out here, though he'd prefer to be out of Atroma's will. He wouldn't abandon him, even if he was given the choice to go home. It's what he decided.

That being said...]

But, [and the next breath he takes is hitched, and his words start to shake,] there's a difference between choosing not to go and knowing you can't ever go back.

I know, I know.

[He'll keep holding onto him, trying to be as supportive as he can in his own weakened state. He doesn't have any memories of dying. Sure, his last moments before he was taken from his world were pretty dire. He was pretty sure he was going to die. But he's gotten out of tough spots before, there was always a chance...

But even so, he knew the feeling Clay was talking about. Even if by some miracle he lived back on Earth, he could never return to the Order. There was no place for him there. His first home, the only place he ever truly called home, was no longer his home.

Even after all these years, it still hurt. He still missed his friends, he missed the smell of Jerry's cooking, his comrades, his room. Despite how much he's grown to love the life he's built for himself in the fleet...there was still a part of his heart that hurt and felt hollow when he thought about it.

He can only imagine that feeling is even worst for Clay. And here he was, still trying to reassure Allen and think of his feelings. Which it's appreciated, and he can't deny he's upset about this, but...]

Don't think you can't be sad on my account. I'm not going anywhere. [He's with him to the end. That was their promise. Clay didn't have to pretend for his sake.]

[He thinks about his aunt, always busy yet still making time for him, how he'd pull her hair back when she was especially frazzled or cook a meal for her when she got home. The sound of her excitement every time there was a little earthquake, how she'd ramble to Clay about it just as he'd do so about space to her.

... How is she going to be now? Clay was the last family she had left, and now...

He thinks about his team. Director Cosmos, how he'd spin stories to make himself seem like a grand hero, even though Clay knew most of them were fake. Aura, how she was rough and still dealing with loss, but got him interested in robots and always looked out for him. And god, Starbuck, his mentor, the guy who taught him everything, how to fly and everything else he needed to know. Clay would never have been as close to his dream as he was if it hadn't been for Starbuck, the man who was afraid of the stars as much as he loved them. Even the robots, ones taught to have emotions and heart. It was a joy to see and interact with him. "Mr. Terran, how are you doing today," they'd ask with a smile, and he'd always answer with "I'm fine"!

He thinks about LA, how it was always moving, how there was always something to do, how huge it was. He thinks about the food, his friends, Apollo's promise to introduce him to his friends when he got back, Apollo's cat, the space center itself, the way the stars looked outside of the city, the constellations he knew and loved so much, the Earth itself, Mercury Venus Mars Milky Way galaxy within hundreds of thousands of galaxies that they'll never - never -

Clay's so caught up in all those thoughts that he doesn't even realize that he's moved. Both arms are around Allen now, hands gripped tight into his shirt. He's standing and leaning forward so that Allen doesn't have to tip out of his chair just to hold him, even though he feels like his legs will give out any second, and -

And he cries. He cries for all the things he'll miss, already does miss, can never see again. For all the promises of the future that couldn't be kept, for the ones who'll mourn him on Earth.

For a life he didn't realize had been cut short until now.]

driftfleet ♪ IC Contact: Year Two

forward dated to... before 9/23?

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